Too short

Sleep is not something that comes easy these days. It seems that as soon as I lay my head on my pillow, my mind starts racing wildly. I get some of the best ideas at night, in the dark. Unfortunately, by morning they are gone.

But there is one thing that seems to never leave my thoughts. How short life is. 

Being a caregiver (AKA wife) to my husband has been a real interesting ride. Not one I would have ever chosen. But one that has been chosen for me. Not a day goes by when we are not faced with some "issue". We call them episodes. As if they were part of some long TV series and, everyday, we get to see a little bit more. And it just continues to unfold, bringing surprises and let-downs. These episodes are virtually the same every day. Wake up with a headache, sometimes mild, other times quite painful. That's how we determine if it's gonna be a good day or not. The oxygen is supposed to be helping to aleviate the headaches. And it does, if he keeps it on.

We had a discussion one day that went like this.
Him: "What's more important? Blood flow to the brain or oxygen?"
Me: "Both"
Him: "But without blood flow I would die."
Me: "True. But without oxygen in the blood, you will die."
Him: "But if theres no blood flow to carry the oxygen then it's useless."
Me: "You're right." (since his blood flow is severely restricted on the left half of his brain, the right half is trying to compensate. It's not doing such a good job.)
After much discussion back and forth, we came to the conclusion that both are equally important. So keep the oxygen ON!!

This morning was no different. No headache, but I forgot to mention the dizziness and the blood pressure drops. So, when he stands up, or leans forward, or bends over, or walks, he has dizziness. Everyones' blood pressure changes when you stand up, but when you don't have blood flow to the brain already, then it's a bit intensified. The dizziness is quickly followed by the feeling of blacking out. So, its like "hang on to the nearest thing" or sit back down. Oh, and then there are the seizures. And the "ping" headaches (the sensation that someone just smashed the side of his head with a hammer followed by dizziness). And the exhaustion. And the confusion. And the speech issues. And the memory loss. (last night we watched a movie that we love, but for him it was the first time all over again.) And the impulsive behavior. The list goes on. Everyday is different, yet the same. Everyday is a blessing and a curse. Everyday is too short.

I live with the knowledge that, at any time, he could be gone. Every night I am faced with the reality that he might not wake up, or he might wake up and not be able to communicate or be paralyzed. So, every night I think about whether I would have any regrets about that day. I try to make sure that there is nothing left unsaid. We talk often about our fears and our hopes. We don't deny them or try to hide them behind the facade of being strong. Matter of fact, we don't even pretend that we are strong. But yet, we do not dwell on them either. We acknowledge them and then we live the day the best we can.

It's hard to watch the person you love the most be in a seemingly hopeless situation; to watch the deterioration happen right before your eyes.  But....God gives us strength and comfort every day. He gives us hope.

Someone once said, "Do your loving while they're living." I totally agree. Live your life so there are no regrets. Say your "I love you"s. Say the "I'm sorry"s. Appreciate every little thing they do. Because you never know what today or tomorrow holds.