(Disclaimer: This is about a real-life situation that took place just a few weeks ago. My emotions are still a little raw. My anger, a little close to the surface. So, please bear that in mind as you read this.)
Tonight was his last night here on earth. We don't know why. We are asking that question over and over. WHY?
Who's fault is it? His? His wife's? Was it just "life"? What pushes a man to put a gun to his head?
Some would say it's the cowards way out. It's not really fair. It leaves so many unanswered questions and so many messed up people in it's wake. After all, he doesn't have to deal with any of the crap now. His wife is left with all the chaos, and the emotions. The anger, disappointment, hurt, fear.
I don't necessarily agree with the coward aspect of it, though. After all, it takes guts to pull trigger. It takes guts to be able to kill yourself. Dying, it's a scary thing.
But, does anyone ever think about what happens afterwards?
Once, a long time ago, I considered suicide. Life was really hard and I didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. I thought it out, planned it, mulled it over a little in my head, trying to picture what would happen afterwards.
I pictured my husband. I thought he might be sad, maybe. Then again, he might have been glad to finally put an end to the long-standing argument. You know, the argument that is never resolved because emotions take over and it ends up with slamming doors and lots of tears. So he might be feeling a little sense of relief. Or maybe he might feel guilt. After all, he would be the reason for my suicide. Maybe he would finally feel bad. Maybe he would be sorry, again.
Then I thought about my children. Could I really do that to them? Was I the type of mother that could knowingly put my children through the hell of their mother killing herself? Could I leave them wondering if there was something they could have done differently? Maybe if they hadn't disobeyed? Or maybe they should have come home on time? No, I'm not that kind of person. It's just that my personal pain was bad, so bad that I thought the only way to end it was to end my life. Well, sure, that ends the pain for me, but it only begins the pain for everyone else.
As I look at the current situation, I am hit with the realization that all suicide does is make everything worse. It doesn't fix anything at all! I sit on the porch and I watch my friend trying to pick up the pieces of what's left of her life. In shock over the suddenness of it, the sight of it; after all, unless you have wandered into the wilderness like an old Eskimo, someone is going to find you. The panic as your loved one desperately tries to revive you, only to realize that it's not gonna happen. The screams, the tears, the mess.
Now what? Calls to police, family, friends. So many questions, no answers. More questions, still no answers.
I wonder.....if you could know the horrible hell that your family would go through, if you could see their faces, hear their cries and feel their pain, would you still go through with it? Is that what you really want to have happen?
I believe, that if he could have seen the things that have transpired in the 2 weeks since his death, he would say, "That's not what I intended. I was trying to protect her. I never meant to hurt her and the kids." He believed that death was the only way out. There was no other option at all. Now, unfortunately, there is no one to protect her and the kids from the pain he inflicted on them. No one to hold them as they cry in the middle of the night. No one to answer all the questions.
Obviously, I have left out so much. This is supposed to be a somewhat uplifting kind of blog. But life has been handing out some difficult things lately and I'm certain that time will heal all wounds. There will still be scars for sure! But, eventually, everyone will stand and walk again. The sun will still shine above the dark, ominous clouds known as grief. The tears will flow with less intensity. We will never forget, but it will no longer be in the forefront of our minds. Jobs and responsibilities will beckon us away from our thoughts and memories of him. Until someday, it will be just a faint memory for some; a painful memory for others. And unfortunately...
Life will go on.
Update: She eventually remarried. To the police officer assigned to the case. She is still in a state of marital bliss months later. Proof that Life Goes On.
